I intended this to be a personal reflection on motherhood, but am starting with a point we sometimes overlook. In a society in which human value is based on material production or assets (money) we are consumed by the idea that our worth is based on what occupation we hold. The higher the salary, the better the status, the more worthy you are as a human.
Islam says something different; how close you are to God is what matters, regardless of any and every thing else.
I want to highlight this point because as a Muslim community we tend to go to two extremes.
Generally, we as a community are influenced by the secular liberal viewpoint in which motherhood is essentially worthless. The only valuable contribution is financial and somehow tied to our identity. Therefore, we prioritize our career over everything else.
On the other hand, those few who rightfully see this as a problem, sometimes tend to derive a women’s worth from motherhood itself – implying a women’s worth is her contribution to her home and family.
True, one may be closer to what Islam has intended on as far as abilities, roles, characteristics and essence of a women, and the role of motherhood is highly (and I emphasize highly) esteemed in Islam (as it is through it you nurture not only a new soul and individual, but society in general), – it is not what we derive our own worth from.
Our worth as women, or men, as humans, is only based on our piety.
So those who are reading this reflection, if you don’t yet have a spouse, cannot have children or have lost a child, know that our value comes from our struggle towards God, whether that test put in front of you is motherhood or lack of. God has hand chosen your test to help you grow towards Him, and this test may bring you closer to Him than motherhood could.
With that being said, motherhood.
In a society where motherhood is not only undervalued, but may be looked down upon if chosen over a “career”, we find a lot of women struggling between a choice to stay home and raise young children or go back to work/school.
I’m going to give a disclaimer: Not every situation is the same and working outside the home even when we have young children may be necessary or preferable in different circumstances. Considerations such as financial stability or security are real issues, that may have had different solutions in an ideal Islamic society, but may require a outside profession today. In addition the need for women in certain fields (ob/gyn, doctors, teachers, nurses and many others) may require working/studying during crucial years of child development.
This post is not about what to choose, rather what to give value to.
Not being able to choose a path, such as a stay at home, mom shouldn’t take away from giving it and the role of motherhood it’s due value. I want to give some perspective that may be lost in todays culture, and reframe our thinking to orient ourselves as Muslim women.
The first issue which we must consider is the importance of motherhood. What is motherhood? How does Islam see motherhood?
As we know Islam denotes a extremely high status to mothers. The rights granted to mothers in Islam, such as obedience to her even over mustahabat (recommended acts of religion) are derived from the role and status she has due to bringing into the world and raising the human being with much difficulty.
What is the impact of mothers? There is a irreplaceable tie and correlation between early emotional and physical connection between a mother and child and the overall well-being (emotional and physical) of the child. Let’s also keep in mind, we are not just physical beings, and our true self, the soul, also needs nourishment. The question we must then ask is what is the impact of a mother on a child spiritually?
We call it tarbiyah, to nurture, to rear. Motherhood is not only physical childcare, feeding, clothing etc (although it feels like it most days!). It is nurturing a soul. Training an human. This depends on having a constant role model in navigating life and life’s situations. How do we control our anger? What do we value in life? How do we treat others? How do we see God and his role in our life? All these are qualities and frameworks that are developed early on in life, much earlier than we think. The mother heavily influences the child’s worldview and framework in life built in the early years.
And if we take this further, development of an righteousness individual is the development of a righteous society. Mothers are not only raising a child, they are building a society.
So we can outsource physical childcare in a daycare. But can we outsource the natural bonds of love between a mother and child? Can we outsource that connection? Can we outsource true tarbiyah?
The next issue we as women need to examine is our issues with identity. Sometimes we mistakenly tie our identity to a thing, such as a career. When we ask who am I? I tell myself and others: I am a doctor. I have chosen this for myself (it’s what I want to do), worked so hard in achieving this, putting hours and years of studies and effort. Now I am a doctor and my worth is based on how good of a doctor I am. Our mistake is tying our identity to something that is finite. It will end. Maybe I will get fired, maybe a circumstance will come in my life I cannot be a doctor any longer, or maybe I will die. Will I stop being me?
When we tie our identity to something infinite, and derive our purpose and value from there (i.e God) (read more here) only then can we come to terms with duties, challenges and opportunities that may change over our lifetime.
So for us women who have pursued advanced degrees/education and career, when life circumstances change, such as a new human being that is under our care, do we see our time off work/ maternity leave or the choice to stay home a few years, as a loss of one’s self? Or a opportunity to build one’s self? The answer primarily depends on where we derive our identity purpose and worth from (read this).
note: I’m not saying education isn’t important. In fact I think as mothers education is of upmost importance. But I do think we need to be careful equating education with a degree (that prepares you to enter a workforce) and furthermore be careful of denoting identity purpose and value based on degrees alone. An example of denoting value would be the example of a doctor vs nurse, while one may have a more “prestigious” degree and more responsibility and accountability in patient care, can we say that overall in treating a patient, a doctor is more important? If we have a treatment plan but no one to carry out that plan and physically care for a patient (nurse), will the patient recover? If we zoom out, we see that our goal and purpose in life is achieving human perfection which comes from the worship of and submission to God. In this goal, is the value of a doctor and mother different?
Lastly I want to offer a more personal and more philosophical perspective of motherhood.
I see motherhood as a path. All of us have a journey we undergo towards God. Some paths are riddled with tests, they require much more struggle and effort, but if we overcome them, grant us the most growth. Motherhood, I feel, is one of them.
I just read a study saying that a pregnant woman is on the brink of human exhaustion for 9 months. https://nypost.com/2019/06/11/pregnant-women-are-basically-endurance-athletes-study/amp/
She operates at a level marathon runners do during a marathon…for 9 months! Subhanallah.
The amount of trouble taken by a women throughout pregnancy the two years of nursing is incomprehensible. Yet day in and out mothers bear with it, taking care of other children and the household.
What we as mothers must be careful of is our intention. Are we doing what we do for the kids only or also for God? Sometimes we tend to make the kids our goal and not a path.
Motherhood molds you to be the most patient, selfless individual. If it was something you were not before, the existence of a new soul before you forces you to ingrain these qualities within you. Through motherhood we can train our soul and move one step closer in our goal, to God.
If we can keep our intention focused on God, motherhood I think is one of the faster paths to God. How kind is He? God has put it in the nature of women to be caring, nurturing and selfless. It is something that comes more naturally to us, these act is of love, yet he he has not made these acts of love wajib (in the legal sense) for us. What we do everyday for our family and children out of love, if done also out of love of Him, is rewarded differently than an legal obligation we have fulfilled.
